breaking point....

I can hold a lot in, but today was the day...the day to let it out.  Here's a short version of how I'm feeling about one person in particular:


How can a person truly call them self a Christian when they do ALL of the following:

-JUDGE, JUDGE, JUDGE.
*enough said!
-be in a MARRIAGE that is not monogamous.
*a gay husband (openly gay) and a bisexual (I’m not sure if they even truly know what they are...they are 'confused') girl.
-stay in that marriage just for financial security.
*because they are too lazy to get out and find a job.  I have worked crap jobs to be able to provide for myself and my family....but I still did it.  There is no reason to OPENLY use a person....shoot, there's no reason to use them at all. STOP BEING LAZY.
-party nonstop.
My exact words: 'you're in a crisis.'  You should not leave your kid/kids at home with people you are using just so you can go get wasted at a bar/club, drive around town and not remember it the next day, etc. that's just bad ju-ju!
-harshly judge others for the things they do when you do them too.
*don’t be a hypocrite. Don’t judge someone for being gay, and then you yourself say you are gay or bisexual, and then still continue to use that person.  Soooo wrong.
- use God's words to try and hurt others.
*just because you get angry at someone doesn't mean you should thumb thru the Bible and use God's HOLY WORDS to try and hurt other people.  I'm pretty sure that's not what the Bible is all about...and I'm pretty sure when God spoke those words, he didn't intend for people to do such things.

I’m just so fed up with fake people.  One moment they are high and mighty Christians, and the next they are partying, sexing with anyone, *f* bombing every other word, using manipulating, blackmailing, judging, cursing others, etc.  I could go on forever.

Some one had a problem with Brian when he was going thru his rough patch of drinking and partying...telling me how horrible of a father he was, etc....but now the shoes on the other foot.  (also, when this all happened with Brian, I started doing my own thing….WORKING, TAKING CARE OF MY KIDS MYSELF….NOT BEING LAZY…NOT USING PEOPLE!) You are supposed to be a BEST FRIEND, but when you come to town, you can't see me because you want a 'kid’s free weekend'.  Yet, you want me to leave my child at home so I can go party with you.  I’m sorry.  I’m past that stage.  I’d rather spend those few hours with my kids--playing with them, feeding them, watching them sleep, anything.  Anything BUT party! BUUUTTTT...you want to interfere with my FAMILY day to come see me at your convenience.....sorry for ya! I love spending time with my family.  I WORK. WE WORK.  We don’t get a lot of time together, so when we have it, we make the best of it.  After telling me we can't hang out at the beach because my child would be with me, you still have the nerve to call and invite yourself to hang out with MY FAMILY on our family day??? And then to ask if you could spend the night on that Sunday so we can have a slumber party? Are you kidding?  I’m not exactly sure what kind of life you life, but I don't slumber party...unless it's with my kids.  I work m-f.  That’s beside the point though.  I’m so sick of your fakeness...not only with me, but with everyone.  I guarantee that no one, including yourself, truly knows who you are or what you are about.  Makeup can make you look pretty, but you still have ugly insides.  ya might wanna work on that!

Ok, I’m done :)

Anyway, here are some pictures of my SOON TO BE 1 YEAR OLD! YIKES!

Planning the Party

I'm driving myself bonkers trying to get everything in order for a party that's still a month away.  But it's Lilah's First Birthday!  I want it to be so special.  We have decided to have a Malibu Princess Pool Party.  I am going to make her cake--well, my mother-in-law and I are going to make it.  It's a pretty PINK Princess cake.  I absolutely love it!

Princess Cake

Then I'm going to make some cakepops...just because they are so stinkin' cute and I love making them. 

I also make Lilah a book today of her first year of life.  I titled it Lovely Little Lilah.  I want to start making one of these each year for the kid's birthdays....at least until they are old enough to be embarassed by them.  Here's what I have so far....(It's not completely finished...we still need the letter from mommy & daddy and a couple more decorations and things):

Lovely Little Lilah

There are so many things I still need to get lined up, including invitations....speaking of invitations, I haven't even looked at them yet.  Or set the date! Oh My! That'll be my goal for this week--get invitations and pick a date!

I'm running out of time quickly today and I still have so much to do!

Here are some pictures of the kids from the weekend til today!  (I've been slacking!)

People Can Be So Insensitive....

I've been trying to live more positively.  To look at things from a more positive perspective.  And it really seems to be helping out a lot.  But, for the moment, I feel the need to vent.  I'm so sick of insensitive people.  People who could care less about what they say or do to other people and how it makes the recepient of those words/actions feel. 

Example 1:
I quit smoking on December 31st, 2010.  That was my New Years Resolution.  I wanted to live more healthy for my kids and myself.  So what if I have gained like 5lbs since I quit.  I've never been a tiny person, but I'm not huge.  I'm like 130lbs.  The last I checked, I'm not extremely obeese.  I'm not on the brink of death because I'm shoving twinkies down my throat.  I've put on a few pounds.  Big deal.  I'm so sick of hearing the people I work with say things that are so harsh...yet they think it's so funny.  And they say it to my face.  I just offered my lunch to another guy here because he worked through lunch and I went to lunch with some other coworkers, and I jokingly said I have some oreos and his response was, "You can afford to skip out on a few Oreos.".  Another comment I have received from a coworker, "You have an angel face but you don't have an angel body.".  So what! I'd rather have a few extra pounds than to be a bag of bones.  What kind of an example of a mother would I be if I starved myself so I could be what everyone else wants me to be.  Are you kidding me?  Why are people so insensitive these days?

Example 2:
I have missed some work because my daughter was hospilitized twice.  Some people at my work decided they would tell me how wrong it is that I work period.  They said I should not be working because in the Chinese culture, the women stay home and take care of the children.  I'm not Chinese.  Good for you if you can afford to let your wife stay home with the kids.  I am a different people.  I live a different life.  I am not you.  So sorry....actually, no.  NO I'M NOT SORRY.  The only thing I'm remotely sorry about is that you are so shallow that you feel everyone must live the way you live.  Good luck trying to get there! How can people be so insensitive to other's culture or way of life.  This has gotten way out of control.

Example 3:
Those people who always want you to do for them, but when you need a small favor in return, you become invisible.  It amazes me how someone can go far out of their way to try to help other people, but when the shoe is on the other foot, the door gets slammed in their face.  Shoot, the door doesn't get opened in the first place.  And the phone doesn't get answered.  Voicemails don't get returned.  But when that USER feels like they need something again, they can come to my door. Or suddenly their phone works again....or it works well enough to call and ask me for a favor.  I guess this is no longer a world of give AND take.  Ya know, a little of both.

I'm just so sick of people's lack of concern for others feelings.  What if we ALL decided to be that way?  Thank God some of us can brush others insensitivities off and learn to live with a good, open heart and mind. 

On to the weekend (a short version!):
Saturday was pretty good! Kind of.  It started off good. I took Hunter and Lilah to the Children's Museum in Houston.  Hunter absolutely loves that place.  And Lilah likED it when she was younger and wasn't very mobile.  But now Lilah hates it.  Or maybe it's because she's at that stage that the only thing she wants is to be in mommy's arms--either way, she did not enjoy herself!  And Hunter was acting strange.  He was so quiest and mumbly.  Usually he's pretty lively there, but not this time.  (He was sick Friday, but Chase said he was acting fine Saturday morning.) After about 45 minutes--an hour at the most--Hunter started grabbing his tummy.  He said he had to go poo-poo.  So I took him to the potty to find out that he already had an explosion.  From then all, it was all tears and tummy grabbing.  Needless to say, we left.  That was my Saturday. 
Brian and I decided to have some family time since it was his first day off in almost two weeks.  We woke up early, got all of us ready, then left for the Houston Zoo.  We had to make a couple pit stops, so Lilah got pretty cranky and tired.  I was hoping she'd get a good nap in before we got the the zoo, but that didn't happen.  She was a cranky little girl.  We had a few good moments, but we didn't stay long.  She is like Brian.  She sweats at the first sign of heat.  It wasn't hot...I think it was 75° or something like that, but it was sunny.  And the sun got the best of her.  Before we left, we stopped by the gift shop to get Lilah a little gift.  Brian picked out this silly looking stuffed animal thing.  For some unknown reason, Brian likes to get Lilah stuffed animals that have HUGE eyes.  But she loves it.  I actually feel bad because she kept throwing Fanny to the side to play with her new friend we named Zoey! 

A Heavy Heart. (I feel guilty)

I feel guilty.  So guilty. 
I am able to go home and love on my daughter.  And she's there to love me back.  She can smile back at me.  Laugh at me.  Pull my hair.  Crawl on the floor.  Make a mess.  Play with all of her toys.  Yet, some mommy's never get to see their children grow enough to do all these things...and some do not get to see their children grow at all.  I can't help but question why.  And I'm sure if I'm questioning why, then the mommy's who have lost their babies are driving themselves up the wall wondering why.  It just doesnt seem fair that something so fragile can be stolen away.  These little one's depend on their mommy's to help them grow.  But, just as the babies depend on the mommy's, the mommy's depend on the babies.  Once a woman realizes she is pregnant, her life completely changes from that moment on.  How she eats, what activities she partakes in, who she surrounds herself with, etc.  It's such an intense growing period.  And then a woman's life really changes when the baby makes it's appearance to the world.  A woman's life revolves around their child/children--from the time they wake up to the time they attempt to go to sleep...and everywhere in between.  I can't even begin to imagine going back to a life where I didn't have to worry about waking up several times a night to check on my baby, or bathing my baby, or hearing my baby cry, or wondering how I'm going to manage getting my baby through the day of shopping that needs to be done, or chaning my baby's poopy diapers, or smelling my  baby's formula.  It's just all too much to fathom. 
This is why I feel guilty. 
I feel guilty posting pictures of my kids....especially after I read all of these blogs about mommy's who have lost their babies, either before or after birth.  Or who are having a hard time getting pregnant.  It's just not fair--to those who have loved and lost.
I always carry a heavy heart when I read other women's blogs about losing their children, but today it hits much closer to home.  I have a friend who told me this morning that her best friend lost her baby this past Monday at 35 weeks pregnant.  I believe she just had her baby shower a few weeks ago.  My heart hurts every time I read a blog on here from a woman I've never seen, met, or known.  But today is a different type of heavy.  I have actually seen her, went to school with her, and I'm sure at one point or another, I've spoken to her.  And now her baby is gone.  She carried her child for 35 weeks, but never got a chance to see her child do all the things I get to and have gotten to see my children do.  It's just not fair. 
This is why I feel guilty. 
We have decided it's too early to post her name, but please keep "E", her husband, her family, and her friends in your prayers.  She is so very heartbroken right now, as are her family and friends, and could use the love and support of other mommy's who have been in her shoes (and everyone else!).  Please continue to lift her and those affected by this tragedy up to our Jesus in your prayers.  Thanks so much!

I feel guilty. 
Normally I post pictures of my kids in my blog everyday.  I did take pictures of Lilah this morning, but I feel quilty.  I can't bring myself to post pictures of my healthy, smart, happy, beautiful, ALIVE children in a blog about mommy's who have lost their chance to see all of these things. 

I will post another blog later today with the pictures from this morning. 

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.


Isaiah 54:10
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.


Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

For Miss Maddie

Kellie,
My babygirl, Lilah, is at daycare, but I took some pictures of her this morning in her little sunflower bow!  Know that you, James, and Maddie are in our thoughts today!

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 37: 3-6 
"Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday."


Isaiah 41:10
"Don't you be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness."

Matthew 17:20
"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

My First Time....

As I sit here and watch Fox News on the TV above my desk, my heart breaks more and more for the people of Japan.  Not only was their world completely rocked by a magnitude 9.0 earthquake, their world was quickly stolen from them by the tsunami that followed.  And now they are facing the possibility of radiation poisoning.  It just breaks my heart.  I can't even begin to imagine how they feel.  They had no time to prepare.  One minute people were sitting in their office, just as I am, and the next moment their life changed.  A complete 180°. It seems that when things like this happen, my heart always hurts for the little people--the innocent little children who have not yet had a chance to live...a chance to see the world, a chance to be parents, a chance to finish school and find a career.  They are so helpless.  Yet they will forever be affected by this type of event.  It just doesn’t seem fair that I can sit here at my desk, work (or blog) on my computer, listen to the Eli Young Band on my phone...and there are people across the world who have lost everything.  EVERYTHING.  Their parents.  Their children.  Their homes.  Their jobs.  Their life as they knew it. It seems so surreal.  It's hard to fathom what it must have been like.  Stories like the one of the 4 month old baby who was found alive is what confirms (for me) that there is a God.  There has to be.  *Read the story here: 4 Month Old Found Alive *  God had a greater calling for those who were taken.  There is a reason why they had to leave this earth. 

As I was sitting here this morning, I know there is a reason why I kept thinking about the people of Japan.  They weren't my thoughts.  They were thoughts that God put into my head.  They are His thoughts.  He wants me to help.  So I did.  I donated to the people of Japan.  I donated to the children of Japan.  I feel for everyone over there, but a part of my heart is especially aching for the children.  How must those children feel who have been separated from their parents and/or siblings? They are wandering around empty, with strangers caring for them.  And, to be frank, some--if not most--of those children will never see their parents again.  Their parents have gone to see Jesus.  I donated for who I care about most to what I care about most.  I donated for my God to the children.  I know this is what He wanted.

I have never donated before...mostly because I had always been too selfish to part with my money.  But as I sat here, I started thinking.  I have things right now that they don't have anymore.  I have my life, my job, my family, money in the bank, and opportunity.  These are all things that could be taken from me at any given moment, just as they were taken from the people of Japan.  God gave me my family, my job, the opportunity, my life.  And God called me to help.  I feel accomplished.  I hope I have helped a few children get warm meals, a soft bed, clean clothes, and loving arms to care for them! 

You can help too!

Save The Children--Earthquake Relief

or access the following website for several other organizations:

Organizations Helping In Japan

Below are some pictures of some resues made after the earthquake and tsunami:

Four-month old babygirl.

70 year old lady.

This lady was rescued and began crying when she was

told her mother was safe, as well!

Another child rescued after the tsunami.



These are only a few of the miraculous rescues.  There are some amazing stories out there that will continue to bring tears to my eyes.  Our God is an AWESOME God!

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7-8)

The Sweetest 'Hi'!

We all say "Hi.".  And we all have people say "Hi." to us.  But I get to hear the sweetest "Hi!" every single morning now.  For the past few days, when I do my every morning routine of walking into Lilah's room, turning on the light, picking out an outfit and getting it situated on the changing table, that sweet little girl does the sweetest thing ever.  She starts waking up, then as soon as she sees me, she smiles so big and says, "Hi!"!  I love it!  She is the cutest little thing ever!
She will be a year old in one month and eleven days.  Yikes!  I'm not ready to start planning a first birthday party again!  Brian's mom suggested that we just have a little pool party for her at their house....but is it possible to have a pool party for a 1 year old? Will she really enjoy that or will she be scared of the pool?  Will the pool even be warm enough for her at the end of April?  That's just the beginning of trying to figure out how to make a 1 year old feel special on her first really big special day!

Brian and I went to court yesterday for Jr.  We decided to agree with everything IF (and that's a big if) Jr's mother can pass a drug test.  If not, Jr is to come live with us. Naturally, when we told the lawyer that we wanted Jr's mother drug tested, she snapped back and said she wanted Brian drug tested, so when we left court, we got Brian's drug test done.  Then it was on to do some fun stuff.  We picked up Lilah from daycare, then went shopping!  Brian got his new iPhone.  Then it was my turn....of course, we went to Hobby Lobby.  I got paint to make the boys Texans Name Blocks, and I got a ton of stuff to make Lilah things.  Brian and I (yes, he helped!) made her a night light last night.  Then I started making her personalized vases for some pretty fake flowers (of course they are pink!).  I got tired, so I'll be working on that when I get home today!  I love doing stuff like that for the kids.  I want them to know they are special...and I feel that a really good way of doing that is to MAKE them stuff from the heart.
I'm constantly showing my kid off.  I'm probably that annoying mom that won't shut up about her kids...but I don't care.  I love talking about them.  I love being around them.  I love seeing them smile.  I love seeing them sleep.  I love seeing them play.  I just love seeing them happy.  That's what I strive for--to have happy, well rounded, well behaved, polite, God-loving kids.  I think they are pretty amazing so far.  I was showing a guy at my work some pictures of the stuff I made for Lilah, and he made a comment that struck me.  He knows my background as far as being adopted at the age of 16 and all the things I went through before I was adopted.  He said he is happy that I have such a great bond with my children after all the things I went through.  As in, I grew up not knowing how to truly love because I was not truly loved.  I was just there.  I was a responsibility, and my 'sperm donors' did only what they had to do to get by.  People seem pretty amazed that I am so responsible when it comes to my kids and my work and family.  I tell them the same thing everytime--at some point in my life (I'm not sure when), I realized I had a choice to make.  I could CHOOSE to be the way my 'sperm donors' were to me, or I could CHOOSE to make a better life for myself and for my children.  To be the complete opposite of them. To treat my kids the way I wish I would have been treated.  To love my kids uncoditionally, no matter the circumstance.  To be willing to give up life as I knew it to live the life they need me to live. And I choose to give my children and those people around me the very best of me.  I'm not perfect.  I'm probably not the best mother in the world, but I am the best I know how to be.  And I'm not the best person in the world, but I'm the best person I know how to be.
I didn't intend to get on a soap box....it just really made me happy to hear someone say something like that to me!

Since I started following Kellie's blog and reading about what happened to her daughter and what she is going through, I have started making it a part of my morning to take pictures of Lilah everyday before she goes to school (daycare).  Here are a few pictures from this morning:

And here are some pictures of the night light Brian and I made Lilah:

Daddy's side

Mommy's side

Side View 1

Side View 2

Top View

I'm in love with this thing!  I can't wait to make some more for friends!

Lunchtime is calling.  Have a great day!

Acts 20:35    In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'"

Not enough time....

I miss my love.  Very much.  There was a time when I got annoyed because we were always up each other's bottom...but now that we are both working, I miss him so much.  I know it's better for our family right now that we are both working, but dangit.  There's just not enough time in those 2 to 3 hours that we get to spend together.  And it's not just me and Brian spending those few hours together, we have some little ones that have to share that time with us.  There's just not enough time.....I wish we could just get paid to love each other.  How freaking cool would that be?

We didn't get much time with each other this weekend because he worked Saturday and Sunday.  And we couldn't talk when he wasn't home because his phone broke, and we won't have time to get it replaced until tomorrow.  (We are taking off work!)  This is what my weekend pretty much consisted of:

             awww...she misses him too!

                                                                                 My babygirl being Miss Priss :)

Making bows....and Miss Priss making a mess!

I made this bow to match the dress Aunt

Teffy made for my ladybug! 

Brian surprised me Sunday by getting home a little earlier than he normally does from work, so we decided to go to dinner and go shopping for a few things we needed.  We went to Chili's...and Lilah stole everyone's heart.  People just love her!  She had so much fun being the center of attention--she was putting on a show!

After dinner, we went shopping.  Lilah was getting tired by this time, so it was a rush...but I did manage to pick her up her first toothbrush and toothpaste for these little things:

She got to play with her new 'toys' this morning before school:

And before I make a very abrupt end to this blog for the day, I want to share a couple of pictures of the bow holders I made for Lilah last night/this morning:

"Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!"
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10